


it's a mean cycle

by yvhcn (jfcdanvers)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, SO, background af and two lines, based on 3x18 and 3x19, basically i manipulated shiz and taDA, but supercorp anyway LOL, buuuuuut reversed..? sort of, kara is like, this is actually lena-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jfcdanvers/pseuds/yvhcn
Summary: Because as much as Lena tries so hard to harden the ground on which her walls are built, the rain — the pain — never stops coming and the ground remains damp.Her walls never stay sturdy.They always end up crumbling at one point, until she gathers enough senses to build them up again.





	it's a mean cycle

**Author's Note:**

> i have no beta. it's late at night. all mistakes are mine!
> 
> find me on tumblr @ loucientrash ♥

She remembers what it feels like to have someone break a promise they made to her.

She remembers what it feels like to build walls around her heart and make sure that she will not fall for any future friendship or non-platonic relationship, because they all inevitably end, anyway.

And who is the one who’s always at the hurting end of the stick; the one always left behind?

It’s always been Lena Luthor.

At this point, she couldn’t even blame Supergirl. She had known better than to let herself feel at ease with the hero the way she does with Kara Danvers, though more with the latter than the former — but still, she allowed Supergirl past her walls.

Maybe not close enough for the hero to build her camp and incinerate a fire which will always burn inside her, but she is close enough to leave heavy traces of her footsteps on the ground on which she’d built the foundation of her barricades against pain — they will always be there; Lena will always feel the dent left behind by the soles of her feet.

Because as much as Lena tries so hard to harden the ground on which her walls are built, the rain —  _the pain_ — never stops coming and the ground remains damp.

Her walls never stay sturdy.

They always end up crumbling at one point, until she gathers enough senses to build them up again.

Lena knows now.

She knows that letting Supergirl in is a mistake.

She tells her that they don’t have a friendship — a lie she so easily spits at the face of the hero in order to protect herself from hurting more because acknowledging their  _friendship_  makes it real. And with how much she’s hurting, she doesn’t want it to be real.

She wants it to be a delusion, a false assumption by the hero.

And to some degree, she succeeds. She gathers just enough strength to turn away before wiping the corner of her nose with a quick hand, only then realizing that she’s been tearing up while talking to the hero.

It still hurts. Her chest feels like it’s caving in as each second ticks by.

But as each drop of rain clashes against her ground, she’s kneeling upon it, damp and miserable, gathering crumbled bricks and stones to rebuild her walls.

 *

*

*

She sees Kara on her way to Ruby later that night and she feels so much lighter and happier at the sight of her best friend. Granted, they haven’t been seeing each other as much as they used to because of certain circumstances, but that only makes her miss her more; makes her heart grow  _fonder_.

Kara is her best friend, someone who’s always trusted in her, believed in her, and Kara is her hero. Kara is the only person she trusts most in her life, so, naturally, she confides to her during that long elevator ride.

She spills her feelings about Supergirl; about how the hero betrayed her trust and how she could never trust her again, and Lena probably should have read her best friend’s face correctly at that point, but she simply assumes that it’s because Supergirl is also Kara’s friend, and it’s natural to feel bad about her mutual friends not being on good terms.

So Lena brushes it off and talks about ice cream. She talks about her day, sans her time in her lab, and she spends time with Ruby, Kara, and Alex. She feels better after  _hours_ of just being the fun aunt and the good best friend.

Honestly, Lena should have known that everything good in her life is simply  _too good to be true._

She rides the elevator with Kara again. This time, they’re descending to the lobby and Lena couldn’t help but feel gravity pulling her even more than she normally does. It is only then that she notices Kara’s silence, the crinkle on her forehead, and the frown on her lips.

She asks her what’s wrong.

Kara seems to hesitate at first, and then it happens.

Kara looks at her like she’s the only person who matters most in the world for her, and maybe Lena will believe that on most days, but the very second Kara starts talking about trust and lies and hidden truths…

Lena just thinks it’s ironic.

She sees the symbol on her best friend’s chest.

She feels her nostrils flare, a blatant attempt to keep her anger — her  _pain_  — at bay, but her eyes work faster and before she knows it, they’re welling up with tears — tears she couldn’t seem to stop from falling down her cheeks.

Then she realizes that she’s not really angry.

She feels tired.

She’s tired of feeling this  _hurt_  over and over again, and all she does is sigh.

_“Lena?”_

The elevator stops.

The doors open.

_“Lena, please say something.”_

Lena doesn’t.

She takes careful steps towards and past the door, already collecting bricks and stones to build her walls again.


End file.
